Save Our Hero.

Jussi Tahtinen, in happier times.

· Our hero, The Finnish National Team, Jussi, has been abducted.

Jussi made the mistake of pledging to a fraternity at Northwestern, where they apparently take that stuff seriously. On the plus side, he gets all the hooch he needs for the rest of his college career, however, they're ruining his life and potentially stealing him from us.

Trapper escaped to a computer terminal earlier this week and sent an urgent message to Brother Matt, who relayed this message to the rest of us (some paraphrasing):

"Hell Week STOP Took my cellphone STOP Took my keys STOP Took my damn car STOP Russians running amok STOP Pooping in the pool STOP Oh no they're coming STOP Ow that hurts dumbass TRANSMISSION LOST"

So, please, help us rescue our hero. If you're in the greater Chicago area, look out for a stocky Finnish business major with a chin beard and commanding chest hair. He can be found at the... uh... okay, he probably told us the name of his frat, but we forgot. Our bad. Just look out for guys wearing Greek letters.

Jussi, if you can read this - we haven't forgotten you. Big Dave wants his hat back. And if they so much as put a scratch on the Sebring... oh, they'll pay. Jussi, go to the window looking south. If you see a nurse, help is coming. If you see a clown, stay put - it might be more difficult than we thought.

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