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| Jermoy Burnitz has a career .2536401222362034873269818443286 batting average. |
Jeromy Burnitz: hero (parts I and II)
by Michel Foucault, VelvetBagel Sports
Part I, CLEVELAND, May 24, 2006: Burnitz.
Is that all there is to say—or is there more?
That is the question.
Let me propose a less common approach to cracking this proverbial nut: as of May 24, 2006, the right fielder leading the league in batting average is hitting .353. Not too shabby, considering the league average for the position is only .278. Now consider this: Jeromy Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz Burnitz.
I wonder if he has a mug with his name on one side of it and on the other side just it says “with a capital J.” If he did, would it be a functional piece of dishwear? Or just something he keeps his pencils in? I got fired from the paper today, honey. This gig probably doesn’t pay, but they give me all the hjash I want! What do you think of that now?? Isn’t that fucking great. Take out another mortgagee or start ewaking yourself causne if I remenber, they wertewa YOU’RE KIDS In college!!1 motherfuckiung caothic. Omy god, I’m so doerry I didn;’t mean that I waer to god. …eh
I digress.
The topic on hand is this: If Jeromy Burnitz were to face an amoeba at home run derby, he’d kick it’s single-celled ass. Why, you say? Cause it’s a fucking amoeba! Jeromy Burnitz isn’t THAT bad, that he couldn’t dominate microscopic life in the macroscopic world. If you think different, you’re an idiot. Enough said.
Let’s move on. Burnitz is the reason the Cubs made it
to the world series and--here’s the really shocking part—the reason
they won it. I know, I know….they awarded the MVP to Pedro, how do you
explain that?, blah blah… Here’s the deal: Pedro wasn’t
even on the Cubs when they fucking won it. How the fuck are you going to give
him the award? Come on, people. Also, the award: crock of shit. They buy the
damn plaque at target the night before, and it’s all a popularity contest
from that point on. Totally meaningless.
What you need to remember is this: Burnitz earned it. And he was slighted.
Was race a factor?, you might ask.
No comment here. That’s not what this forum is for. But think about it. It clearly was. Who the fuck does Japan think they are, pushing us around at our national pastime? And after pearl fucking harbor! Don’t they owe us one? Come on, Japan! Some class, here. Take a fucking dive next time. Learn from Burnitz. Baseball isn’t always about showing other people up. Cock faces.
Part II, CLEVELAND, May 26, 2006: Top 10 Reasons
Why Jeromy Burnitz Shouldn’t Be Fired:
1. His ERA isn’t 4.91
2. His AVG isn’t .146
3. His name is a palindrome
4. He paid his dues
5. He has 0 blown saves
6. He’s slow enough to give Yurendell DeCaster opportunities as a pinch
runner
7. He’s a good clubhouse personality
8. He’s an American
9. Yankees suck
I’ll tell you something else: Pujols, Bonds, Graffanino…they’re all full of shit. Steroids, corked bats, boat parties with the Minnesota Vikings. Total fuck faces. All of them.
Burnitz, though…REAL FUCKING DEAL.
And he doesn’t need a top nine list to prove it.
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